I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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