There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
