On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
