I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My vagina just clenched in fear
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
