you traded sex for a burrito?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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