Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
