I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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