i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
