watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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