all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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