I wish my penis had an off switch
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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