I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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