Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
