I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
