I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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