Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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