Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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