I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
