He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
