Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Randomize
