Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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