I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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