Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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