You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
