Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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