I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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