I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i wish my penis had a tongue
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
