Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
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