Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I think I won the penis lottery.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
