what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
