I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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