Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
