the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
