I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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