nut hugger
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
