my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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