you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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