You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
