Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
my shit smells like andre
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
