hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
