okay pat passed out under dana's car
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
