hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
