god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
