the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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