what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
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