on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
whose parrot is this?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
