so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
