I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
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