I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
