Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
