have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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