At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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