I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
