a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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